This month we will be reading and discussing Replacement Child by Judy L. Mandel. Below you will find our discussion guide and some information about Judy.
**NOTE** Judy will be participating in our discussion every Monday, starting November 9th. We are SO excited to have her join us this month!
Discussion Guide: Replacement Child
1. Do you think Judy was truly a “replacement” for her sister Donna?
2. Do you think the tragic aspect of a plane crashing into the family’s home made a difference in the attitudes of the family members and Judy in particular?
3. How do you think being a replacement child affected the course of Judy’s life?
4. Was it important for the reader to know about Judy’s marriages and relationships to understand her journey?
5. Why do you think Judy had three failed marriages?
6. What do you think parents that have subsequent children after losing a child can do to protect against the effects of Replacement Child Syndrome?
7. How can recognizing that one may be a ‘replacement child’ help someone understand and control the possible negative ramifications on their life?
8. Do you think every child born to parents who have lost a child is necessarily a ‘replacement child?’ And, what would make the difference?
9. What could Judy’s father have done differently as she was growing up that would have been a more positive influence on her life?
10. How did survivor guilt play a part in Judy’s issues?
11. How did the fact that her sister Linda needed special care affect their roles in the family?
About the Author (in her own words):
I was born in Elizabeth, New Jersey, but my family quickly moved to the more suburban Cranford. The town I live in now in Connecticut is nearly a duplicate of my childhood hometown.
In college, I tried several different majors over the course of finding my way. My first was communications, then theater, then I developed a major in playwriting. Finally, I settled on English and Journalism. Having taken a break after my sophomore year to get married, getting my degree part-time took me a while. I worked my way through those last college years singing and playing guitar in coffee shops and clubs.
My writing life began as a reporter, which I actually loved. Then, I added a public relations stint at a hospital, a short time in advertising and somehow found myself in corporate communications at various insurance companies--where I earned a living for 20 years. I had only meant to stay for a few paychecks. More recently, I provide marketing writing for corporate clients in addition to continuing my own writing.
I am blessed with a wonderful son, an equally wonderful husband who brought three fantastic stepsons into my life, and a very large orange cat that sometimes types long lines of zzzzzz's by laying across my computer keyboard.
**NOTE** Judy will be participating in our discussion every Monday, starting November 9th. We are SO excited to have her join us this month!
Discussion Guide: Replacement Child
1. Do you think Judy was truly a “replacement” for her sister Donna?
2. Do you think the tragic aspect of a plane crashing into the family’s home made a difference in the attitudes of the family members and Judy in particular?
3. How do you think being a replacement child affected the course of Judy’s life?
4. Was it important for the reader to know about Judy’s marriages and relationships to understand her journey?
5. Why do you think Judy had three failed marriages?
6. What do you think parents that have subsequent children after losing a child can do to protect against the effects of Replacement Child Syndrome?
7. How can recognizing that one may be a ‘replacement child’ help someone understand and control the possible negative ramifications on their life?
8. Do you think every child born to parents who have lost a child is necessarily a ‘replacement child?’ And, what would make the difference?
9. What could Judy’s father have done differently as she was growing up that would have been a more positive influence on her life?
10. How did survivor guilt play a part in Judy’s issues?
11. How did the fact that her sister Linda needed special care affect their roles in the family?
About the Author (in her own words):
I was born in Elizabeth, New Jersey, but my family quickly moved to the more suburban Cranford. The town I live in now in Connecticut is nearly a duplicate of my childhood hometown.
In college, I tried several different majors over the course of finding my way. My first was communications, then theater, then I developed a major in playwriting. Finally, I settled on English and Journalism. Having taken a break after my sophomore year to get married, getting my degree part-time took me a while. I worked my way through those last college years singing and playing guitar in coffee shops and clubs.
My writing life began as a reporter, which I actually loved. Then, I added a public relations stint at a hospital, a short time in advertising and somehow found myself in corporate communications at various insurance companies--where I earned a living for 20 years. I had only meant to stay for a few paychecks. More recently, I provide marketing writing for corporate clients in addition to continuing my own writing.
I am blessed with a wonderful son, an equally wonderful husband who brought three fantastic stepsons into my life, and a very large orange cat that sometimes types long lines of zzzzzz's by laying across my computer keyboard.
36 comments:
Well, it looks like someone has to start the conversation so it might as well be me.
First, let me say that I really enjoyed this book. I am not a replacement child nor have I faced the sort of tragedy this family did but as a parent, I could relate to what this family went through. I think this is a story every parent would appreciate. Now to some of the questions.
1. I think Judy definitely was a replacement child. While her parents may have never intended that to be the case, their decision to have another child was definitely driven by the loss of their oldest daughter.
2. I don't think there is any way the attitude of the family could not change after the crash. This event changed their entire world and as a result, changed the world Judy was raised in. While I don't think anyone can say with certainty what Judy's life would have been like had the accident not occurred (assuming she would have been there at all), it's pretty clear it was different.
3. As Judy points out in the book, she did not really come to the realization that she was a replacment child until later in life. As such, I don't think that fact played a role in her upbringing from her perspective. I also suspect that her parents (either intentionally or unintentionally) did recognized her as a replacement child.
4. I think knowing about Judy's failed marriages made her "real". Her struggle with realationships seems to be the "baggage" she brought along from her upbringing. More important, for me, was it showed a certain type of determination that seems to be part of the personality that has served her well. This is a family of fighters. Her parent's fought to survive this tragedy, Linda fought her whole life to overcome her injuries and Judy has the same fighting spirit which came through in her search for a better relationship.
5. Judy had three failed marriages. So have a lot of other people. It's been said that we seem to marry our fathers and our mothers. Judy's father was obviouly a very good person and cared deeply for his family. But he had to be carrying a tremedouse burden throughout much of his life because of this accident. Whatever attitudes he portrayed must have been reflected in her first husbands. It sounds like she finally found her Prince Charming. She certainly deserves it.
6. The best way to not make a child a "replacement child" is to not have a replacement child. What I mean is, let the child know they were brought into this world because the parents had more love to share. Let the child know that they are there as an addition to the family, not as a means to complete the family. But the parents have to mean it, not just say it.
7. Knowledge is power. Knowing the history and trying to understand what the parents have been trough can only help to understand why they do what they do and perhaps allow for tolerance and forgiveness.
8. No. See my answer to #6.
9. See my answer to #7.
10. I don't think survivor's guilt plays into Judy's role at all. I think this could have been more an issue for Linda, on several levels.
11. I think Judy grew up in the shadow of Linda's injuries. It seems like her parents, especially her mother, spent most of her energy watching over Linda. This probably left little time or energy for Judy, who probably just accepted her place in the family.
Well, that was a mouthful. OK people, time for someone else to step up with some thoughts or comments. This is, afterall, a discussion. Agree with me or not but join the conversation.
Regards,
First Poster
I just picked up the book and can't wait to get started reading it. I was born and raised in Elizabeth and am thrilled to see yet another author and even another Judy, as in Judy Blume, both born in my hometown. I look forward to having my copy signed this weekend.
What a great start to the discussion, thank you! I am also enjoying "Replacement Child". I agree that Judy's parents did see her as a replacement child. I'm fascinated, though, by how differently they treated their daughters. I would think being a replacement child, Judy would receive more attention and praise than her sister. But, Linda's injuries made their situation even more complex. I love how she describes this "familiar feeling of being seperate from my family, like I have always been pressing my nose up against the glass trying to get inside" (24).
I'm going to hone in on #6. How does a replacement child become a "replacement child"? Is it by default of emotions once that child realizes that her parents have suffered the loss of their sibling?
I think it all depends on the parents. After suffering the loss of a child, how do they nurture and treat their next child? It's possible that a replacement child doesn't become one--he/she is one at birth. In Judy's case, even though she didn't know much about her older sister that died in the plane crash, she knew she was born to provide a "salve for the burns".
Libby:
Are you saying that Judy knew as a child that she was born as a replacement for Donna? I didn't get that connection. Rather, it seems to me that Judy came to this fact later in life and didn't really know her "role" in the family as a child. Didn't she say in the book that the accident and Donna's death, or for that matter, Donna as a member of the family was never discussed around her?
Did I miss something here?
FP
FP,
I'm sorry about the confusion. I didn't mean to say Judy knew as a child...you're right, she learned this later in life. I was talking more about her parents--I think her parents were aware that she was their replacement child.
Libby:
I totally agree, and I think this goes back to Trig's original question. The child does not determine if it is a replacement child but rather the parents do.
Just to be clear, I am not saying tat Judy's parent's did anything wrong. I don't think they raised Judy with an expectation that she would be Donna's replacement, rather I think that it was on a very deep level and perhaps one that they didn't realize or didn't want to realize. Her parents really were in a no win situation. To recognize Judy as Donna's replacement would cause them to constantly remeber their loss. To not recognize Judy as Donna's replacement could make them feel guilty for "pushing aside" their past. Neither option is one a parent would want.
It seems like the more we discuss this the more we see how complicated this situation is. I guess that one of the things that makes this book so special.
FP
FP,
Yes, I can only imagine the tragedies Judy's parents went through. I think this a book every parent should read.
In response to question 4, I think it was important for the reader the know about Judy's failed marriages. She learned alot about herself after reflecting on her ex-husbands and it all played a role in her journey. Also, like FP said, it showcased her personality.
#7, I understand that FP notes that knowledge is power. But if you truly want to control the ramifications there needs to be therapy. Awareness is one thing but it's going to take some fighting action.
Does Judy undergo therapy? If so, I haven't gotten to that part yet.
I really enjoyed how Judy setup this book--with chapters alternating between her memories and a story-like description of the day of the crash. How did this formatting enhance the story for you? It made it hard for me to put down.
Judy had 3 failed marriages because she failed to take the time to define herself for herself. Like so many other women. We let our circumstances and the past leaders of life definition and then we carry it until the unhappiness of it all comes crashing down.
Mary, thanks for posting! What you said is true. I really commend Judy for writing this memoir and publishing it. I am so glad she has finally found happiness.
Hi everyone,
Thank you all so much for all of the thoughtful dialogue about Replacement Child. I thought I would chime in on some of your comments.
First, I do hope that the book helps both parents who decide to have another child after a child's death, and those people who may identify themselves as replacement children.
As one person notes, I don't go through any therapy in the book--but I do allude to some marriage counseling later in life. Talking through these kinds of issues of identity and rejection can only help I think. Awareness is a start though, and many people need that jolt of identification to help them start thinking about their lives in a different way.
Mary--I think you hit on it when you said that I failed to define myself before entering into relationships. In the book, I try to illustrate how I came to understand how my relationship with my father undermined both my choices in men and my behavior within those relationships.
I'm interested to know what people think my parents could have done differently within the context of the book--that would have made a difference in my life?
Looking forward to more discussion--thank you!
Judy Mandel
Thank you Judy for your comments! It's great to have you join us every Monday this month.
I think if your parents had talked about the tragedies that changed their world, it would have made a difference in your life. As FP noted earlier in our discussion, knowledge is power.
In response to Judy's question, "I'm interested to know what people think my parents could have done differently within the context of the book--that would have made a difference in my life?"
I don't think they could have done much differently - they did a heck of a job considering the formidable tragedies - multiple - that they faced. It is a slippery slope to take the psychology of today and apply to a situation that is more than 50 years old. The prevailing psychology and ways of being with children were very different then. My own humble sense is that your parents did an amazing job of holding their own, charting a course, responding to a child with overwhelming needs, and then raising you, too. Kudos to all of you!!
Hi. My name is Cheryl, and I am Linda’s oldest daughter.
I’d like to say how proud I am of my Aunt for writing this book. It was truly courageous to be so open and honest.
I’d also like to give my thoughts on Judy and Linda’s relationship, as compared to mine with my sister. They mirror each other almost eerily. While I wasn’t physically scarred as my mother was, I was severely emotionally scarred growing up. My sister had to take the same “backseat” in our immediate family that Judy had as a child. I have a lot of guilt for that, feeling that my little sister didn’t get what she needed from us. I believe this mirroring is part environment, part genetics. I am so much like my mother, my sister very much like my aunt…both mentally and physically.
My perspective on this tragedy and my family, not having been directly affected by the plane crash or the loss of Donna, was always one of extreme pride. I was so proud of my grandparents for being so strong and brave; my mother for going through such physical pain, not to mention the psychological pain of being a woman severely scarred, and always holding her head high; and my aunt for always being that sturdy backseat, and now finally stepping forward and making her voice heard.
I love them all more than words can say!
-Cheryl
Cheryl, Welcome to our discussion! Thank you for posting a comment--it's great to hear a personal perspective on your family and the tragedy they survived. Has your family all read "Replacement Child"? I know for some authors, their families refuse to read their memoirs. It seems, though, that Judy's was well received.
I can't imagine the amount of guilt that Judy's parents must have felt when they realized that Judy recognized herself as a replacement child. The gut of emotions just hangs until they discuss it.
I read the memoir in one sitting, couldn't put it down!
As much as I grew up with the crash stories and hearing of (and witnessing) my mother's ongoing recovery, I didn't know alot of what went on personally between everyone. As loving and caring as my family is, it was hard for them to talk about their emotions sometimes. It's been great to have the gaps filled in (as painful as they may be), and to get to know my aunt even better.
10. How did survivor guilt play a part in Judy’s issues?
I don't believe that survivor guilt was one of Judy's issues. I think this was definitely something Judy's mother, father, and sister had to deal with, though.
Judy, I really can't suggest anything your parents could have done differently. I think they did the best they could. I commend you for having the courage to share your story with all of us!
Judy have you connected with other men or women who have or had the replacement child syndrome? Did you write the book to make these connections or was it for your own self healing?
Hi Judy,
I was just having a conversation about the topic within your book. One of the women asked this......
When people identify themselves as replacement children and their parents have told them otherwise (meaning the parents never saw it that way). What do you think the children should do then? Have you ever known of a situation where this situation could not be worked out?
Trig,
That is such an interesting conversation that I wanted to comment on it. I have spoken with several 'replacement children' as well as some parents who decided to have children after one died. In most cases, the replacement children come to understand this fact later in life as adults--and many see similarities in issues they have confronted to those that I describe within my book. This is so fascinating to me when I talk to them--it's like we are related! As for parents, almost every one of those that I spoke to argued about the term 'replacement child' at first, but when we get beyond the actual word and talk about the issues beneath the word, there is usually an understanding that develops that each family is different. Not all children that are 'replacements' have the negative aspects of it in their lives, and some of the negative impact can actually be avoided with awareness by parents. My own parents would probably have argued with me as well about the term, but I have to say that their discomfort with the word does not make the reality any less true. If my parents were alive now, I hope that I would be able to make them understand that I totally understand their motives, that I knew they loved me in any case, and now that I'm glad I was able to be of some comfort to them after such a tragedy in their lives.
Thanks for this great conversation!
Judy
Someone asked earlier what makes a replacment child - a replacement child. I think it's the unconscious mind of the parent. While parents readily identify that the next child is different, they still often 'define' the child in terms of the former sibling who died. This may take the form of renaming the child with the same name, or trying to over-idealize the first child and insist on the second child being stellar-like the one who died relatively unknown. Since children who die at birth are a little less known, they are often attributed with characteristics of perfection in the parent's eyes, and an ideal child is a very difficult child to be compared to, especially in an unconscious manner over a long period of time.
Hi Sophia! Thanks for chiming in on our discussion of what make a replacement child. I agree with you. Do you think Judy's parents could have done something (in raising her) that could have made a difference in her life? This was one of the author's questions earlier in our discussion.
Hi everyone,
Sorry I am joining in on Tuesday instead of Monday--but the holiday has me a little turned around!
I wanted to comment on Sophia's note. I agree with the idea that a replacement child is one because of the unconscious, but sometimes conscious, intent of the parents. And, living up to an 'ideal' child is impossible. From the interviews I've done with replacement children,even when parents don't implicitly give that burden to a child, the child will often take it upon themselves. In my case, I believe I did that on a subconscious level--which had an impact on my choices in my life.
My own thought is that talking more could have helped my family--and probably some actual family therapy would have aleviated a good deal of the negative effects. If we were able to make my sister, Donna, more real in how she were remembered--and not just as the perfect angel child--I believe it might have freed me to be more myself in my family.
Thanks again for this great discusion!
Judy
Thanks for stopping by Judy! You've mentioned your research for this book a couple times now, how did go about finding other "replacement children"?
I think communication is always key, and in the case of replacement children, encouraging individuality is really important. Judy's parents (my grandparents) were hindered in doing that not only through their difficulty communicating, but with the constant attention they had to give her sister (which must always have been a fresh reminder of the crash and the loss of Donna); unfortunately taking away from the time they needed to spend encouraging and caring for Judy.
replacement child i wish they would get on CD,i don't read,i have short memory,so i request you get it CD. kent driskell
That's a great question. Judy, do you know if "Replacement Child" will be available on audiobook? That would certainly be wonderful for all the readers out there who prefer that format.
Hi everyone,
Since this month's book club is coming to a close, I just wanted to thank Author Exposure for featuring Replacement Child as a book of the month for discussion. It is certainly informative for me as a writer to have the book and the topic discussed in detail, and to understand the reactions to the book. I am grateful for all of the insight and thought given to the book in this space.
No thoughts of an audio version as yet.
Thank you all!
Best,
Judy Mandel
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